Okay so honestly I must have something mentally wrong with me. And I don't just mean in general or something, even though I know that to be the complete truth. But I mean today especially and for the past few days. Mostly because I cannot even form simple sentences to get my point across without blanking out or freezing mid-thought without the words ever coming out of my mouth or even halfway to my mouth. I don't even form the words before I freeze up. It might just be nerves or the fact that I'm tired out of my mind but I think it might be more than that because coffee, food, air, exercise or even a simple shower cannot seem to get me to wake up out of this nonsensical kind of funk. And it is really starting to get the kids concerned... Well mostly Syd. She has been an absolute angel today since I explained to her what was going on. (before that she went so far as to throw a huge tantrum when I asked her to take a shower while I did Jared's homework....but now she's fine) I, on the other hand, cannot understand what is happening to me and I feel like a complete wreck..... I seriously had a dream last night that made no sense at the time, but now it makes so much sense that I am terrified. I dreamed that I was locked up in a hospital, well okay institution, because I was a danger to myself and others. First off, I have never been a threat to anyone unless they attacked me first. Okay there was that time in high school when I slapped Elo by accident and without thinking, but I didn't do it intentionally and it didn't even hurt. maybe just my hand and her pride. but besides that I have never been a threat or danger to anyone who didn't deserve it first. no matter what my parents think. I may have thought that I would want to kill myself, and I may think that because my life has done nothing but go to the shits that it means that I was never supposed to be on this planet and that I have nothing to gain from being here in this life. as if it is all a huge mistake. but those are just thoughts and nothing will even come out of them... it is just immature and irrational thoughts of the lost inner child from within a much more lost, jaded and mature adult............. And I honestly have no idea where I was going with this....... Oh yeah... I have no idea what is happening to me, or what my dream meant, or whatever. But I am terrified that it is going to get worse and that my aunt and uncle will notice and feel that I can't look after the kids anymore..... that would crush me to the extreme.. not only because I get paid to watch them, on the contrary that is the least of my worries. I'm mostly worried that the structure and balance that I receive here will be taken away and what is happening to me will only get worse.............
So I have all these concerned going on through my head and they are only made worse by everything that is happening around me and in my life. Everything is basically falling apart and I'm just a bystander who has to watch it all from the side lines and just do nothing..... So, completely mifted about my circumstances, I did something that I should have stopped before it happened or at least fixed before it became to late and messed things up so completely that I couldn't fix it at all.... I sent an email, since the only thing I trust myself to do at this moment in time is to express myself with words, on Sunday night. I don't think that the person I sent it to got it at all, or even if they did, that they would read it because well I don't deserve it. But I sent it anyway, in an attempt to fix something that should never have broke in the first place. I was a bitch, and I know it, and I will be eternally sorry. But I don't think it will help. As far as I know, I burned that bridge down so long ago and to such an extreme that it cannot ever be repaired... for which I have no one but myself to blame and for that I am so angry that I cannot possibly explain it in words............. If by some grace of the goddess, or some luck with the internet fairies, the person I sent the email to reads this, then I just want to tell them again that I hate myself for everything that happened and I want to try to fix things because I miss having them around and I really wish we could be friends again. Not just because I need them or need to talk to them or anybody really, but because when we were friends I was kinda grounded and I could talk to them about anything and even though they didn't really understand what I was talking about, they tried to and tried to help and that always made it easier to deal with or to come out of with a sunny perspective or at least a positive one.
Anyway, enough venting for me and enough wasting time when I have work to do......
Peace, Love and Happiness to All!
Rae
