Have I ever mentioned how much I adore writing? and reading? Well basically anything that has to do with the written word? I mean seriously, words are so incredibly powerful and meaningful. It is simply amazing that with one simple sentence you can bring a room of people to tears, or have them experience any kind of emotion. To top it all off, one sentence could entice readers to go through different emotions or remember different experiences.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that Words have Power. and you may say one thing and mean it one way but the person reading or even hearing those words may take it a completely different way. which may or may not be a good thing. But it is incredible.
Right now, I'm feeling inspired. I just came down to my room after catching up on the last three episodes of The Glee Project. (Loving it btw! Damian, Cameron and Matheus are my absolute Faves! and I have a real soft spot for Samuel too :) He actually reminds me a whole bunch of Jacob Underwood of O-Town...and I really can't figure out why.... ) Any who, so I'm feeling really inspired by the whole audition process and the different tasks they have to go through each week. For example today's episode was about recognizing and coming to terms with your own Vulnerability. So each person had to wear a sign during the music video shoot (walking around what looked like an actual mall) with a word or phrase that addresses what they feel most vulnerable about. For example one of the contestants wrote Gay, another had Misunderstood, another Fake etc. They also had an episode of Glee this past season where the characters had to write their own signs, My faves were Brit's "<-- I'm with Stoopid" shirt, Puck's "I'm with Stupid -->" shirt, and Kirk's "I like Boys" shirt.
And I was thinking, if I was in the same situation, what would my sign say??
It's actually a hard question to answer with a single word. Mostly because I feel that it's hard to choose just one thing. I feel as though so many of us have more than one thing that makes them vulnerable. But I guess that's what makes this a challenge...... So I've been able to narrow down what my sign, or shirt, would probably have to say. It would have to either be Forgettable or Unwanted. and actually, I'm leaning more towards the "Unwanted" shirt.... And, like the characters and contestants of the Glee shows, I'm going to explain my choices.
First off, Forgettable. It seems to me that no matter how hard I try, how nice, friendly, and outgoing I am, I am always being asked by people, and hell even my own family, "Who are you again?" It doesn't matter how long I've known them or how close we were as friends or whatever, I'm still get that reaction from like everyone! And it drives me completely Bonkers!!!! I mean I take the time and remember who you are and all these kinds of things even if I only met you once and all I get it "Who are you?" "Do I know you?" Geez! And I find it so weird because I feel as though I have a big personality, I'm super friendly although a bit shy and reserved at times, I enjoy laughing about how dumb some of the things that come out of my mouth are, and I'm a fantastic listener. But still, apparently none of my character and personality actually gets through and comes across to other people and it really bothers me. I want to make a difference in this word and meaningful, to mean something to someone or many someones and yet I'm being constantly overlooked and forgotten. That's why I think Forgettable would be a great word for me.
And then we have Unwanted. This is a very deep and hurtful word, especially for me. and it really conveys a whole heck of a lot about me and who I am inside and out. And I guess it ties into being Forgettable. But really it starts off with my childhood. My mom left my father, sister and I when I was seven, but took my youngest sister. At the time, and technically still now, I didn't understand what I did to make her leave. It was a very personal problem, and I didn't think that her leaving had anything to do with my father or what was going on in her own head and heart. All I knew was that I did something wrong, she didn't love or care about me anymore, and wanted to get away from me and keep me away from my baby sister, like I'd hurt her or corrupt her or something. I have no idea, I just felt completely unloved and Unwanted.
Within a year, and apparently a whole court battle, my mom had visitation rights with my sister and I having to spend every second weekend and certain holidays with her and her new family. In my screwed up little seven year old head, I believed that Mom actually only wanted Amanda back and not me, but that Dad forced the whole not one without the other packaged deal. So still I was feeling Unwanted.
When she actually moved back into the area almost two years later with my new baby brother added to the family, I began living alone with my father. Amanda opted to live with mom, even though my brain and heart were screaming to me that I was still Unwanted by my mom. I've always felt this way about my relationship with my mom, and to this day I still do. Seeing as how at every moment of my life after she moved back, and the courts forced her to take me in as well, she'd yell at me that she'd give me back to my father and never let me see my siblings again. I never dreaded moving back to live with my dad, even though we get along like oil and water, but I hated the idea of never seeing my siblings again, so I'd shut up, mind my P's and Q's until I couldn't take it anymore.
Around the time when my mom moved back and the courts forced her to take me in, even though she was living in a 4 & 1/2 apartment with 6 people living in it, I felt Unwanted by my dad. All because the night she came and got me from my dad's house, I was crying, yelling and fighting the whole time. I wanted so desperately to stay with Dad and then he said the words that will never leave my head "I don't want you here. Go with your mother." Those words tore me apart and I hated him for so long because of them. I went from at least feeling wanted and loved by my father; my idol and role model for my entire life, [hell when I was a baby/toddler I used to walk around with my shirt off and lounge around on the couch watching Star Trek and/or Football all the time saying "I'm Daddy" or that "When I grow up I'm going to be Daddy". ] to realizing that he didn't want me either. Ergo "Unwanted" yet again. (I've actually come to realize, thanks to my Aunt this past summer, that Dad only said those things to make it easier on himself, that actually he fought a whole hell of a lot and for a hell of a long time to get Amanda and I back, to no avail. Apparently non-working women are more suited to raising children opposed to a hardworking man with a huge support system. Stupid governmental system) Any who So I've felt because of these happenings, unwanted by my parents.
Fast forward to the school and dating life of teenager and young adult of yours truly. And again, nothing but feelings of being unwanted. The eternal Outcast with a small number of people who could actually stand to be around me, but still would rather hang out with anyone but. I developed a wicked attitude and was deemed "The Queen Bitch" throughout all of High School,[ except for Sec V when I was at a different school, there I was referred to as "The City Girl". Quite Ironic since people from Cegep think of me as "The Country Girl"] and CEGEP, as a defense mechanism. If people didn't want me around them, then I didn't care and certainly didn't want them around me. I've since mellowed out, cooled off, and have developed this Bubbly "I'm kind of smart but really I'm just dumb and pretending to be intelligent" kind of personality with more of my inner Rocker/Nerd/Goddess vibe kind of thing happening. ( At least I think so lol) Anyway Throughout all this time, I've had only a few friends and NO Boyfriends whatsoever. All this equals major feelings of being Unwanted.
With all that said, I guess I could argue for either word to be plastered across my chest, but I think Unwanted is more apropos, deeper and more meaningful than just being Forgettable. Especially since I actually just teared up a heck of a lot just now when typing this all out.
Oh.My.Damn. I'm such a Dork! :S
So yeah, Vulnerability is a HUGE word, and ties into what I was talking about in the beginning about words having so much power and different meanings. I mean the simple word Vulnerable or Vulnerability could cause people to think inwards onto themselves, or outwards onto someone else. The dictionary gives 3 different meanings to the word Vulnerable and the one that makes the most sense to this context is "capable of being physically or emotionally wounded". and really just hearing or feeling like I'm Unwanted for whatever reason wounds me tremendously. It's my Kryptonite, or Achilles' Heel. Speaking of The man of Steel and the hunky Greek Hero, both of their vulnerabilities are a huge weakness to them but are not their only weaknesses. Humanity in general is also one of Superman's weaknesses, or maybe something more close to his heart like Lois Lane, or even the fact that he is an alien. All of these things make him vulnerable and weak even though in all other respects he is virtually indestructible.
Being Unwanted or even believing that I am Unwanted is a huge weakness of mine, I think, because it causes me to doubt myself in every aspect. As if I'm not good enough, won't be chosen or wanted, so why bother trying at all. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time writing or moving ahead in my life. I feel like I'm not good enough, and won't be wanted. Hell whenever I'm feeling down and depressed the first words shouted out of my mouth is the fact that I'm not supposed to be alive. [I was not supposed to have survived my birth, I've been hospitalized twice in my life since then and was supposed to have died each time, and I had my palm read once and the person said that my life line was so small that she didn't understand how I was still alive]
So yeah I think that's it for now. I also wanted to work out some other things that they showed on the show and on the website, like 10 things no one knows about you, and What inspired you?, and other things like that but I guess, since I'm practically falling asleep on my laptop here, that I'm write about them another time. Soon, I promise! I realize that I'm not exactly consistent in my blogging, even though I set out to attempt to write every day or at least every few days, and well it's been months between posts, but I swear I'm going to try and do better! :-)
UNWANTED
It's a powerful word, and is Rae's Ultimate Vulnerability.
What word or phrase would you use to expresses your Vulnerability?
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